If you’re anything like me then you’re probably trying to navigate the hellish storms of your twenties, or you have two wiener dogs that are your literal children and no one can say you didn’t give birth to them yourself. Or maybe, and just maybe…you went through one of the most atrocious heartbreaks of your life. If any of these sound like you, you might want to stick around for what I will say next. It might help or even be a form of entertainment for you. Either way, I welcome you, to the inside of my little broken-hearted blogger brain.
I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and I love fearlessly without conditions. When I was a child, I would dream of falling in love, this lasted well beyond my childhood. I’ve always been infatuated with the possibility of finding my knight in shining armor (women can be knights too, okay? Have you not seen Chappell Roan in her armor, I mean COME ON!) I had never fallen in love in my 21 years of living until recently. And boy was it a doozy! Like many of you out there, the person I thought was the love of my life, turned out to be a complete nightmare…a beautiful one…but a nightmare nevertheless.
In the beginning, she was like a walking dream, like all typical narcissists. She was so charming, funny, gorgeous, kind…everything I told her I wanted in a partner and more (I’m screaming “red flag” to my past self right now). Ultimately, she ripped my heart out and curb-stomped it as I just stood there, jaw dropped. Quite the image right? Imagine my horror as it unfolded before me. I thought she loved me! Well, that’s what she said not even a week into dating (OH a love bomber…girl, run). With three little words, she turned my world upside down…”I don’t know.” What? You thought I was going to say “I love you,” didn’t you? No no no, THOSE three words made me feel like my life finally came together…her hitting me with the “I don’t know” when I asked her about our relationship after trying to communicate my feelings? Obviously, it was turned around on me and those three words made me feel like my world was crashing down around me. It felt like a dagger to my chest, and with those words, she twisted the blade.
POV: Me to my past self as I type this.
I was always so sure of her, of us. Even when she hurt me, I never questioned my love for her and I fought tooth and nail for our relationship. In the end, it wasn’t enough and I’m not sure it ever would be. Pleading for her to stay easily turned into begging, and I don’t know about you, but begging is how I realized the relationship was over. It was my choice to walk away though, which hurt even more. I loved her, and part of me always will despite everything. However, there comes a point in our lives where we must choose ourselves and walk away from what we love most. Just because we love something or someone, doesn’t mean they are good for us.
We all deserve someone sure of us and our relationship with them. Me simply trying to communicate how she made me upset and confused turned into one of the bloodiest wars within my very soul. I had never felt so much pain to the point it made me physically ill. LITERALLY, I ran a fever and I wasn’t even sick…or maybe I was and it was just extremely inconvenient timing…who knows. Anyways, it’s not even a week into my breakup with my first love. I have grieved someone who was only a facade presented to me at the beginning of our relationship. It hurts, I’m healing, just as you are (I hope).
Sometimes our hearts must be broken so that we might pick up the pieces of ourselves rather than waiting on someone to mend us back together. Why wait for someone to save us, when we can be our knight in shining armor? No one can show us the love we deserve like we can. Day one into my breakup, I felt like my world was ending… the truth is that sometimes I still struggle with starting anew. But there is beauty in starting over because it’s just the beginning of our new journey. I know it’s scary, the unknown, but it’s also exciting. Just know that you’re not alone, and if you’re reading this…know that I too am on a journey of rediscovery. It doesn’t matter how old you are, it’s okay to begin again. So, welcome to my open life journal. I hope you join me in navigating the chaotic beauty of life.
*Alexa! Play Healing by FLETCHER!*